"We do not HATE anyone... We DISLIKE them INTENSELY."

So let me preface this post by saying this:  If you know me, you know that I am not a very hateful person.  I do not hold much hate in my heart.  I'm a lover, not a fighter.  I've found that it takes way more energy to get mad at someone or to hold a grudge than it does to just let bygones be bygones.  Besides, as my mom and grandmother always told me, "We do not hate anyone, we dislike them intensely."

With that being said, let me be absolutely clear about one thing:  This post is going to be all about hate.  It's going to be about how it seems like since sometime in 2002, almost every single major team sporting event has been won by a team that I hate (see: St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago White Sox, Florida Marlins, New England Patriots), or by a team who's fans I can't stand (see: "Red Sox Nation"--doesn't it just make you want to punch someone when you call them that??!?, or any idiot waving a "Terrible Towel" around, or pretty much anyone from Philadelphia... You know who you are, and you know you're a dick-head when it comes to cheering for your team.)

I'm gonna go ahead and apologize right now to all those friends of mine who are Celtics, Patriots, Red Sox, White Sox, and Red Sox fans right now, but you know that everything I'm about to say is 100% true (Please keep reading my blog!!!).  Most of you guys obviously aren't like your fellow fans, but you're in the minority, so there.

Also, don't go thinking I'm completely disillusioned here.  I'm well aware of the reputation many a Cubs fan has given to the rest of the fan-base and to the franchise.  In terms of crappy fans, there's probably not much worse than the drunken college frat-boy sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley making an ass of himself throwing trash down onto the field or doing the wave...

But now that that's out of the way, watching an insanely interesting Super Bowl play out for the 2nd year in a row last nite (I guess at least we can all be thankful that it was a good game and not a blowout), all I could think was, "Have the Gods of Team Sports united against me to make as many of the teams that I 'dislike intensely' win major titles in their respective sports???"  Somewhere, somehow, I know they were all getting a kick out of this.

I mean, it's actually getting a little absurd.  I need to start betting extremely large sums of money on all the teams I hate to win whenever they make it to the biggest games of the year.  It's basically the exact opposite of the Bill Simmons article from the July 1, 2008 issue of ESPN the magazine, in which he explains that he has nowhere to go but down after the ridiculously improbable and amazingly inspiring events that led to all three of his favorite teams winning championships:

"But at the same time, my favorite football team won its first Super

Bowl as a 14-point underdog on the game's final play.  My favorite

baseball team rallied from three-zip to topple its lifelong bully before

eventually winning its first World Series since 1918.  And my favorite

basketball team rose from the dead to clinch its first title in 22 years

by beating the heated Lakers by 39 in Boston.  All three events were

like Bob Beamon's famous long jump to me: abnormally incredible

experiences that couldn't possibly be topped."

But just so you don't think I'm making all this up, let's take a look at who's won the World Series since 2003:

2003 - Florida Marlins  (I know, I know... Who cares about the Marlins?  Normally I wouldn't, but when they knock the Cubs out of the playoffs like that, how can you not hate them?!)

2004 - Boston Red Sox  (I'm sorry, but a team and its fans become eminently hatable when, after being your brothers in suffering for 80+ years, they immediately turn on you and make fun of you as if they had never been in the same position.)

2005 - Chicago White Sox  (There is no explanation needed here.)

2006 - St. Louis Cardinals  (NL Central rivals.  And they're the Yankees of the NL, having won 10 World Series since the NL and the AL merged.)

2007 - Boston Red Sox  (Again?  Really???)

2008 - Philadelphia Phillies  (My buddy Wolfy will back me up on Philadelphia fans being some of the meanest and least classy fans in all of baseball.  Where else but Philly do you get pizza thrown on you for standing up and politely cheering a Cubs run scored?  Oh yea, probably at the Cell...)

If that streak of six consecutive World Series champions isn't enough to convince you that the Sports Gods are messing with me, how about this list of Super Bowl Champions:

2002 - New England Patriots  (I really don't have enough time or room here to explain my utter hatred for the Pats...  Anyone from the 30 Pack should be steeped in this knowledge.)

2004 - New England Patriots

2005 - New England Patriots  (Boston does this thing where their sports teams repeatedly piss me off, in case you didn't notice.)

2006 - Pittsburgh Steelers  (In all fairness, I don't hate the Steelers too much, but the "Terrible Towel" thing is pretty annoying, and one can only assume that since Pittsburgh is in the same state as Philadelphia, their fans as just as duschy as Philly fans...)

2007 - Nothing against Indy, but they beat the Bears, which sucks for me.  Damn you Sports Gods.  Check that, I should probably just be mad at them for cursing the Bears with Rex...

2008 - Finally an outlier!!!  Thank you Giants for ruining the stupid Patriots' nearly perfect season.  I literally would have NEVER heard the end of that.

2009 - Pittsburgh Steelers

I mean, seriously, WTF?!?!?!

And finally, the icing on the cake... The NBA Finals.  You would think that being a Bulls fan I wouldn't have too much to be unhappy about.  I mean, 6 titles has to tide you over for quite some time, right?  Yes, it most certainly does.  But, of course, the stoooopid Celtics had to go and ruin that in 2007-2008 by beating the Lakers and bringing out all those annoying Celtics fans...  Ugh.

I guess I'll just have to turn to individual sports as my sanctuary.  I mean, I tried to think of successful athletes that compete individually that I hate, and I came up empty.  Michael Phelps, I got nothing against you.  Keep on doing your thing.  In fact, I'll even go so far as to say it doesn't bother me that a picture of you hitting the bong just surfaced in a British tabloid.  I'd say 14 gold medals earns you the right to have a little fun.  And if it doesn't, then the tens of millions of dollars you've earned does.

Tiger Woods, how could I ever be mad at you?  You're the Michael Jordan of golf, continually redefining the impossible and dominating your sport like almost no one before you.

Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer?  You guys are great to watch battle it out, and even though it irks me when you wear those stupid capri pants Raf, I guess I can let it slide since you seem pretty cool otherwise.

Usain Bolt, no worries mon, it's all good mon.  Ok, that was truly awful, but what did you really expect from mikechop.blogspot.com?

Bode Miller?  Speaking of hitting the bong...  But seriously, Bode is the man--how can you not like him?!?!  Dood works hard, plays even harder, and flies down ridiculous steeps at 80+ mph with a reckless abandon.  And all that has won him.... a Barilla sponsorship.  Noodles, wooo!!!

So I guess that solves it, I just need to stick to the individual sports.

Or I guess I could always start watching the NHL...  

HA!  That's a good one.